Tungsten
"TONGUE-sten"


     I'm sure all of you have, at one time or another, sat back and thought, "Gee golly gosh, Tungsten is a funny sounding word. Why, it almost sounds German...ding dang doodley doo." Well, while you were all sitting back chuckling to yourselves, Myself along with my notorious counterpart, Snidely "Jerimiah Grantham" Whiplash, were taking action. We spent hours pouring over chemistry books, history books, and encyclopedias. Wait, let me re-word that, we spent hours pouring gasolene over chemistry books, history books, and encyclopedias, and as soon as we figured out that Tungsten started with a "W", we just lit the whole thing on fire. But we did make up a lot of stuff and it makes sense.........in my mind.



  The first and most obvious aspect of our journey is that Tungsten is a noun.

Yeah I know, you all knew that..WELL, Mr Smarty pants, did you know that it is also an element?

Yeah i figured you did.

That's really all i knew until one cold dreary night in January, when I became enlightened in the ways of the Tungsten. Now, grasshopper, I must pass the knowledge on to you.

  Before you can truly understand Tungsten, you must understand what it is for. It is used to make and harvest bacon.

  Bacon grows on trees, in Sri Lanka.

  In order to grow bacon trees, you need pigs. 99% of the world's bacon pigs are bred in Arkansas and Cambodia. Every year, the pigs are shipped to Sri Lanka. To keep supplies even throughout the year, the pigs arrive from Arkansas in April, and Cambodia in November. The pigs are planted in the ground and in 6 to 8 months, bacon trees grow.

  Now Here's where the Tungsten comes in. Bi-monthly-- Wich is twice a month, or every two months, depending on your definition of bi-monthly, but thats not important. Bi-monthly, the bacon is harvested. Now bacon trees are very agile things. They don't break easy and they don't give up their bacon without a fight. Back in the early days, cast Iron was used mainly for the bacon harvesting. The only problem was it wore out and rusted very easily. Thankfully, in the Mid-July of 1875's, Sir Timmy "the Toolman" Tungsten made a miraculous discovery, a metal that not only withstood the abuse of bacon harvesting, but also had a funny name. The bacon industry quickly began to thrive and grow into what we know it as today.

With the recent discovery of Tungsten and the boom of the bacon industry. Bacon entrepeneurs ran into a big problem. No one lives in Sri Lanka. This is mainly because of the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka, which can kill anything it stares at.
As a solution, the entire country of Russia(the people, not the land....dummy) is shipped down to Sri Lanka every time a bacon harvest is needed.


Now you know all there is to know about Tungsten.

But that is not all, my friend. I have recently stumbled across a top secret government document. No, literally. I was walking through the woods and, BAM, I tripped right over a monument..."Top Secret Government Document" it said. So I borrowed it, and put the Readers Digest version here for all of you to see. Now I have to get back into hiding before the "Top Secret Government Document Avengers" find me and put me in jail.

Vietnam
The Untold Story


In the late 1960's, Vietnam invaded Sri Lanka and threatened to keep the entire world's bacon supply for themselves. The next year, the US attacked Vietnam and made an attempt to steal back the bacon(the game "steal the bacon" was derived from this). Vietnam made a counter strike by digging a series of interconnected tunnels and stocking them with bacon. (I know, you all heard a different story. Thats what they told the public) Eventually, the US won back control of Sri Lanka although they suffered heavy casualties. The CIA decided to cover up the whole thing because they felt it embarassing that so many men lost their lives for bacon. So they invented what we now know as the Vietnam War. I think that if they had told the truth, there would much less protesting. I mean, all those people who protested in DC, I bet they liked bacon. Those students in Ohio, I bet they ate their share of Bacon. Maybe if they had known it was something as important as Bacon, they wouldn't have protested and they'd still be alive today. And we wouldn't have that really annoying Neal Young song ("4 dead in Ohio", you know it, come on SING!!)